in the blink of an eye, hours have passed

looking through old notes from my never-sent drafts box. too many words that revealed too much emotion. but here's something that pleases me to remember - ah, the pure exhilaration of wonder (please take me back there soon!):

do you ever get lost, caught in the spell of experience? i do – it’s both lovely and a bit frightening – tearing myself away from concentration that focused too sharply, or maybe sharply enough... the play of light on the pavement receding away from my window’s view as we race along the highway towards belleville, napanee, and kingston... once, i remember being completely enthralled by the quivering perch of a drop of muddy water on the window pane before it began its halting, shuddering criss-cross journey down the dusty glass. each pause a glimpse of spinning flecks of grit and dirt in a magical, synchronous, chaotic dance – i remember thinking it was like colliding schools of tiny silver fish racing around in this tiny aquarium. a dribble-dance encased in nothing more than surface tension. and how fortunate, how very, very lucky to be the chosen witness.

do you ever fantasize about smashing things?

if by 'things' you mean 'my bloody computer'? then yes.

yes yes yes. smashy smashy smash- smash.

i can imagine the sound, the smell, the feeling as i release this beast from sweaty hands to fly across the room to die!

connected, and disconnected both.

how to make a little paneer

boil a litre of milk (powdered is fine)
remove from heat and add 2 Tbs. of lemon juice
the curds (!) will separate from the whey (!!)
[it really is that cool]

drain through a few layers of cheesecloth.
can be pressed overnight between heavy things in the fridge and cut into cubes,
or not.

presto magico - fresh home-made milk solids ("cheese" if you will)
yummalish in tomato-y onion-y tumeric-garam masala-chili-y peas-y goodness.

THIS is how to celebrate having time for grocery shopping and the fine rituals of selecting, preparing, consuming delightful nuggets of nutrition.

a blurr

i don't know how it is that i haven't bought any groceries in a month. or that i've moved every 3-5 days since the end of june... or that i'm about to spend my first week-end in my own home since sometime in april.

isn't this some kind of perpetual-motion-pergatory? and the true sign of insanity, for this is all of my own choosing.

and in contrast with the moving-spinning-running-rushing, is the tether that keeps me fixed to the electrical charge of my bloody computer. email now officially owns me. i'm so far gone that i'd seriously consider an implantable connection to this machine. the only redemption, that i can see, is that hard drives spin; like a spun prayer wheel i have been connected to something greater, right? would that it were so.

instead, the electical pulses cauterize the living flesh of love and warmth and connectedness. so here i am, another installment of another cold blue backlit night. human voices re-worked by phone, built-in-speakers, ear-bud headphones, into instant-messaged madness (it's NOT a meeting if no one is met).

thank ? for fuzzy dogs, independent springy curls, the sound of laugher (however trasmitted), and the kindess of near-strangers. and thank ? also for that weak instinct for self-preservation that has (finally) let me share my woes with just about all and sundry.

and coffee should never have been invented.

well, good-night.